Silence

what's happening here?
i was once alive
and now i'm so full of dread
and almost dead
show me your wounded head
that has led to communion with the Father
but where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but i'm trying so hard to steer his way
yet still lonely and confused
on this cold hard ground i lay
speak to me wise mouth and say
"it's all good kid, it's nothing that you did
and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now
just be still and listen for that sound"
(did you hear it?)
listen again.
did you hear it?
that silent voice that just spoke nothing?
that is me!
I'm listening to your plea
with open ears
counting all your tears
flowing from your irritated eyes
searching the skies
looking for that HOPE that beyond there lies.
you young worrisome sparrow, find rest.
lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast
and make it your nest.
no strong cold wind
could ever blow and carry you
from this your home.
look around
see the life
springing up from the ground?
spring colors springing forth
in celebration
of your trusting.
it's a constant process this is
growing you into the person
that you're to become
but when you sense the setting of the sun
know that it's only rising and has just begun.
NOW GO FORTH!
sing songs of faith!
and lift up others in the midst of this race
and if you can't keep the pace
or lose sight of my face
know that I'm always near
so you NEED NOT FEAR.
(but don't worry about all that right now)
just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence.
when I am silent I am listening
and not abandoning.

~Silence by Bradley Hathaway
(from All The Hits So Far, But Don't Expect Too Much)

I feel like this poem all the time and it aches my heart to feel so distant from God, when in reality I'm not so far away. It genuinely speaks to me where I'm at right now. I dig Bradley's lyricism and poetry. I've met him a couple times and every time he's been a truly sincere and honestly amazing dude after God's own heart. You should most definitely check his stuff out. He does songs now, which is cool.

Am I having an existential crisis?

I don't know if I am or not, but Oh God do I feel like complete and utter shit right now. I don't know why I thought I'd post that but I really, really do. I'm not asking for sympathy or anything. I'm not feeling suicidal or anything drastic, more like my life sucks right now and I'm hoping for something better to come along soon. The way I'm feeling is partly due to seeing Synecdoche, New York with Zac last night. Don't plan on seeing it unless you want the happiness sucked out of your soul. It's a ballsy flick but I wouldn't necessarily recommend viewing it if you like coherent films with uplifting themes. It is essentially a horror film.

So yes, I feel like shit at this moment, after staying up all night listening to songs and evaluating where my life is at. I'm sure things will pick up, I'm just in a lull physically, emotionally, career-wise, life-wise, etcetera etcetera. Don't pity me. I'm in a heightened state or something stupid. Forgive me of my harsh words but I can't hide this. Pray for me please. I know everyone has their own problems, but for some reason I can't shake whatever the hell has a hold of me.

Music Galore!

Here are plenty of new music videos to tide you over.

This one's called "Love, Your Son"



Slight correction: My biological mom's name is actually Patricia. My brother Ryan is also adopted and Debra is his mom's name.

"Devil In My Skin"



"Hang Him High"

After watching myself on this, I have some weird accent at the end of each chorus. I really need to stop listening to myself. This is just too odd. Oh, and the camera is set on a tripod but it shakes for no reason.